第162章 CHAPTER XXI ONCE AND NOW (6)
\"True. But how was he to know that?\"
\"I don\"t know. I never thought of anything of that kind,\" said Margaret,reddening, and looking hurt and offended.
\"And perhaps he never would, but for the lie,--which, under thecircumstances, I maintain, was necessary.\"
\"It was not. I know it now. I bitterly repent it.\"
There was a long pause of silence. Margaret was the first to speak.
\"I am not likely ever to see Mr. Thornton again,\"--and there she stopped.
\"There are many things more unlikely, I should say,\" replied Mr. Bell.
\"But I believe I never shall. Still, somehow one does not like to havesunk so low in--in a friend\"s opinion as I have done in his.\" Her eyeswere full of tears, but her voice was steady, and Mr. Bell was notlooking at her. \"And now that Frederick has given up all hope, andalmost all wish of ever clearing himself, and returning to England, itwould be only doing myself justice to have all this explained. If youplease, and if you can, if there is a good opportunity, (don\"t force anexplanation upon him, pray,) but if you can, will you tell him the wholecircumstances, and tell him also that I gave you leave to do so, becauseI felt that for papa\"s sake I should not like to lose his respect, though wemay never be likely to meet again?\"
\"Certainly. I think he ought to know. I do not like you to rest even underthe shadow of an impropriety; he would not know what to think ofseeing you alone with a young man.\"
\"As for that,\" said Margaret, rather haughtily, \"I hold it is \"Honi soit quimal y pense.\" Yet still I should choose to have it explained, if anynatural opportunity for easy explanation occurs. But it is not to clearmyself of any suspicion of improper conduct that I wish to have himtold--if I thought that he had suspected me, I should not care for hisgood opinion--no! it is that he may learn how I was tempted, and how Ifell into the snare; why I told that falsehood, in short.\"
\"Which I don\"t blame you for. It is no partiality of mine, I assure you.\"
\"What other people may think of the rightness or wrongness is nothingin comparison to my own deep knowledge, my innate conviction that itwas wrong. But we will not talk of that any more, if you please. It isdone--my sin is sinned. I have now to put it behind me, and be truthfulfor evermore, if I can.\"
\"Very well. If you like to be uncomfortable and morbid, be so. I alwayskeep my conscience as tight shut up as a jack-in-a-box, for when itjumps into existence it surprises me by its size. So I coax it down again,as the fisherman coaxed the genie. \"Wonderful,\" say I, \"to think thatyou have been concealed so long, and in so small a compass, that Ireally did not know of your existence. Pray, sir, instead of growinglarger and larger every instant, and bewildering me with your mistyoutlines, would you once more compress yourself into your formerdimensions?\" And when I\"ve got him down, don\"t I clap the seal on thevase, and take good care how I open it again, and how I go againstSolomon, wisest of men, who confined him there.\"
But it was no smiling matter to Margaret. She hardly attended to whatMr. Bell was saying. Her thoughts ran upon the Idea, beforeentertained, but which now had assumed the strength of a conviction,
that Mr. Thornton no longer held his former good opinion of her--thathe was disappointed in her. She did not feel as if any explanation couldever reinstate her--not in his love, for that and any return on her part shehad resolved never to dwell upon, and she kept rigidly to her resolution-butin the respect and high regard which she had hoped would have evermade him willing, in the spirit of Gerald Griffin\"s beautiful lines,\"To turn and look back when thou hearestThe sound of my name.\"
She kept choking and swallowing all the time that she thought about it.